Post Secret Sunday: Horizon

Regret is in the things I didn't do and in the words I didn't say. He was, and still is, it for me. "It," meaning The One; the man whose name is always at the tip of my tongue and whose voice is the quiet song that plays softly inside my heart. The man whose touch is imprinted upon my skin, and whose kindness touched my soul. The man whose presence makes even the scariest and most unfamiliar of places home.

 

Adele, the singer, has one of those rare voices that hits at the core. The emotions and truth with which she sings is bittersweet; her voice is at once beautiful and painful. "Someone Like You" captures one of my greatest fears. It hasn't happened yet, but given that Horizon is a great man, it is not too much of a stretch that he will find someone else. I'm torn between fighting for him abd letting him heal so that one day he can find the happiness that I was unable and unwilling to give to him. And so for now, for always, here's the truth laid out bare: he is it, and I don't want someone like him. I just want him. 

 

Quote of the Week

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“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”

                                                      Rumi

Quote of the Week

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"The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared."

 -- Lois Lowry

Quote of the Week

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 This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without wings. 

--Mevlana Rumi 

"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" (Rumi)

Dearest Da,


I don't remember the sound of your voice anymore, but I've never forgotten your words: "Chin up, darlin'."

Aloha au ia 'oe.








Time, is going by, so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

Oh, you've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
You know it's only just begun, every single day
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day
I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day

Post Secret Sunday: Cliches that hurt

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Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Sometimes it is best to not fight against the loss for words. Better to allow yourself to be enveloped in silence.


When my dad died people would say, "he's in a better place" or "at least he's no longer suffering." Others would say, "it's in God's plans." They meant well, of course, but these are not necessarily the best words to say to someone who is grieving. 


Death and loss are natural--a part in this circle we call life--but they are also ugly and visceral. They leave scars that become more hardened and angry the deeper you delve.


Sometimes there's no reason and no better place. Sometimes there's just an emptiness. Sometimes giving reason to something that just is diminishes it. 


To women who've gone through a miscarriage and to the women who will go through a miscarriage, I say: rage, cry, scream. Let it out. Trying to suppress all these primal emotions is like saying that the loss you experienced doesn't matter...that the person you lost doesn't matter. Sometimes you have to unleash a river of ugliness and anger to give voice to the beauty you once had.

Quote of the Week

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“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

--Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years 

Because no other word could convey "love" as powerfully as "mom"

4 Days after T-Day: 2 Cents from an Undercaffeinated Soul

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Although I don't love the history of Thanksgiving--what with the Pilgrims handing out blankets with a heaping side o' smallpox as a pre-cursor to the eventual land-snatching done against my AmerIndian homies--I deeply respect the notion of being grateful for the blessings we've been given in life. Though the majority of blessings we have are as obvious as the First Lady of Cameroon's love of Simba-esque aesthetics, some are as subtle as Tommy Menino's homage to Bob Dylan's speech.

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With that in mind, I'd like to honour some of the obvious and subtle blessings in my life:


I am grateful for my family, especially my beautiful momma, who taught me how to love unconditionally. This karaoke-addicted, fried fish-preferring, sack o' rice-hoarding, Gil Grisson-crushing, pink-loving, curly-haired woman is the breath in my lungs. She has the ability to strike fear into my heart by dropping hints that she'd like to have a talkative grandchild now, but nothing evokes the feeling of safety and being loved more than one of her hugs.

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I am grateful for old friends who knew me during my cheesetastic Power Ranger fanfic writing days and still love me anyway, and for new friends who allow me to use them as guinea pigs in one of my cooking experiments. Nothing else quite proves I'm there for you, I accept you as you are, and I love you than your best friend declaring out of the blue that they love your tomatoey nose or your friend hunting down elusive Anzer honey because of its health benefits. When you have friends who call, text, or Facebook poke you no matter how far you are or how busy your lives are, you know they're for keeps.


I am grateful that I not only found intellectual fulfillment at university, but learned how to be a kinder human being who can effect social change. For this, I can never tire of thanking D, B, M, and S. They teach and they advise, and are some of the best in their field, yet remain humble and continually engage in a genuine dialogue. They also have good taste, judging from the fact that they gave me an A.


I am grateful for mobile phone companies that offer unlimited (long-distance) calling, text messaging, and web browsing. Without them I'd be more broke than Toni Braxton.

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I am grateful for cute kittens and fat babies. Whenever I get frustrated with people (especially the male variety), videos or photos of cute cats and fat babies never fail to cheer me up. Those, and watching a video of Ibrahim Tatlises and his mustache singing.

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I am grateful that despite a painful history of physical/cultural/linguistic genocide, boarding schools, poverty, alcoholism, religious intolerance, and a high rate of violence perpetuated against Native women, hope still lives among AmerIndians and Hawaiians. We still have a long way to go to reclaim the pride we had in ourselves before the missionaries and conquerors Macarena'd their way into our home, but not punishing the sons for the sins of their ancestors is a huge step. Forgiveness is a powerful step out of the shadow of victimhood.

I am grateful for love, because it is the most powerful choice there is. In the words of a people who can never vanish, I say to you all: Gv-ge-yu-hi. Do-da-ga-g hv-i.

I love you. Until we all meet again.

Be kind to one another.

Per Te

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You were (and still are) what this means to me. 

Dear Friend,

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Luv, when I say that I love you, the emphases are on love and you. I love and accept you for the person that you are, as well as for who you were and the you that you've yet to find. Let life bring on the storms and thunders and broken roads. It'll be okay. I'll be right next to ya with an umbrella and a compass. Let's wait out the storms, and together, we'll hold out for the rainbow peeking on the horizon.We're in this together. 


Love,
Me

Glitter in the Air, P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? 
Tonight

Quote of the Day

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Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things--with resignation, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope.

--President Cory C. Aquino

Quote of the Day

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I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

--Hafiz of Persia 

Quote of the Day

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He smiled understandingly–--much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–--or seemed to face--–the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistable prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Na Leo Pilimehana kine summer days...

Entropy

In between yesterday and tomorrow--      
today, mo chroi--
With those jagged, vertical lines
You made your choice
Without struggle, irreversible, final.
Tell me, beloved:
Was it nothingness you sought,
Or elusive relief, perhaps
Unreachable it seemed?

Merciful God, they claim, deems you a sinner.
Prodigal son, Bedouin without a tribe.
Locked out of Valhalla
Shackled now to Hades eternal. 

'Coward, you are,' Oh how mere mortals judge,
'Brought shame and dishonour
  to your God
     your country
        your family
           your friends.'
Their forked tongues seethe with righteous indignation,
     eyes of steel

          lips in perpetual sneer. 



But you fought, beloved-- 
Oh how you fought
     and raged
          and thrashed
against the quicksand
     in the darkness
          and in silence!
They never knew,
     and I...

          I saw much too late. 

In between today and tomorrow--
forever, mo chroi--
I shall carry this,
    peeking out behind the clouds: 
      beloved, yes--I meant to say. 

Hau'oli La Makuakane, Daddy.

'

Aloha au iā 'oe.

Dear Daddy,

               We met again in my dreams not so long ago, where enticingly the constrictive bonds of reality and time are broken. Sometimes I wish I could live the rest of my life in the borderlands of wakefulness and dreams, if only to have you near.  To constantly feel your presence, not in fleeting bursts. 

     I keep searching for you, da. These past few years it feels like I've been retracing your footsteps, stubbornly chasing rapidly fading footfalls. Praying, begging to please let me see you where you last stood when you were whole. Before that cursed aneurysm led to a stroke, which in turn began a slow decay 18 months in the making. You, my Hawaiian Superman, lay immobile as your body betrayed you and turned into Kryptonite. 

     Almost 8 years ago, I told you it was okay to let go. And so you flew. You were free. 

     But I have not let go, da. Where do I begin? Grief's paths have so many twists and turns, and I am still lost. Standing in the middle of nowhere. The roads before and beyond are daunting, and I cannot trust my own hesitant steps. My feet are much too small to walk surely into the forest that I know holds promises of new beginnings. 

     I'm scared to let go.

Happy 21st + Awesome-th Birthday, J!

   Best friends are like bras; close to our heart and always there to support. With that in mind, we would like to take this time to celebrate one of the most important brahs in our life, J. 

     Like our lingerie collection, there are many shapes and colours to J that are worthy of getting to know and loving in their own right. There is the no-nonsense, white cotton blend bra: practical,logical, dependable. J is able to temper passion with pragmatism, which makes her a kick-ass advice dispenser. Freaking out about whether to stay at a stressful (albeit well-paying) job, or take a risk and travel abroad for a bit? Dial the 818, and J'll break down the pros and cons for you, all the while being supportive. 

     The animal-print bra: magnetic, dynamic, and oh so fierce! C'mon, there's no denying that J is one gorgeous babe. Beauty and brains, the whole package. Whether dressed down in jeans and a tee, or dressed to the nines in night-out attire, she is stunning. She has a natural magnetic quality that draws people in to her and makes them want to get to know her. She and R met at a Gender Equality class, and according to R, she knew right then and there that J would be a great friend. Same goes with me, when we met in Tibetan Buddhism class. J's inner beauty comes out like a disco ball that lights up even the darkest, dankest tunnels. 

     There's the sheer, lacy pink bra: sweet and innocent. This is the nurturing, tender side to J that most people, for some reason, don't really bother to unearth. They don't get to see this side because they're too busy being hung up on the animal-print bra J, and boy is it ever their loss. J's the type of friend who'll pack sugar-free candies in her purse, in case her rebellious diabetic friend gets a sugah cravin'. She'll sit there for hours --iPhone battery life be damned--to listen patiently to her friends unload their burdens...without judging. Not too many people can make sense of me when I'm full-on  snotty/bawling and speaking in languages other than English, but somehow she does. You see, J listens to beyond the words and straight through to the emotions behind them. And so in moments wherein I go "waaaah, miss him...wahha... why... sniff,  daddy have to die? waaaah.. hurts, gaaaaaah," she knows exactly what to say: nothing. J understands that there are just some things that have to be dealt with through silence and time. 

     And then there's the corset: feminine and powerful=100% woman. One of the things we love most about J is the fact that she is who she is. She, R, and U taught me most about what it means to celebrate womanhood. Womanhood is not just about the femininity, the virginity, the sweetness, the ability to give birth, and all those other stereotypical gender stereotypes. To be a woman is to have strength and vulnerability, sweetness and sassiness...sometimes at the same time. To be a womanist or a strong woman means that you do not restrict yourself to societal norms, and to love yourself even if you don't fit the mold. J, like a corset, makes those around her see the beauty and the strength in themselves...beauty and strength that although can't be seen by others outside, is there underneath...like your own little secret. 

     We may have met by chance, but we are in each other's lives by choice. To know J and to have the privilege of seeing the many layers of complexities in her is a blessing. There's more to her than meets the eye. In a world of Fruit of the Loom underwear, J is definitely La Perla. 

In closing, dearest J, we leave you with one of our favourite quotes from childhood: "If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."  Mischiefketeers Luv, R and L