Post Secret Sunday: Horizon

Regret is in the things I didn't do and in the words I didn't say. He was, and still is, it for me. "It," meaning The One; the man whose name is always at the tip of my tongue and whose voice is the quiet song that plays softly inside my heart. The man whose touch is imprinted upon my skin, and whose kindness touched my soul. The man whose presence makes even the scariest and most unfamiliar of places home.

 

Adele, the singer, has one of those rare voices that hits at the core. The emotions and truth with which she sings is bittersweet; her voice is at once beautiful and painful. "Someone Like You" captures one of my greatest fears. It hasn't happened yet, but given that Horizon is a great man, it is not too much of a stretch that he will find someone else. I'm torn between fighting for him abd letting him heal so that one day he can find the happiness that I was unable and unwilling to give to him. And so for now, for always, here's the truth laid out bare: he is it, and I don't want someone like him. I just want him. 

 

Jonny Lang, "Only A Man"

I used to live my life in fear
Was worried all the time
From waking up to laying down
I had no peace of mind
The world became a darkened place
A struggle without end
Although bitter times those were
The days that I had began to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church
With questions in my mind
Then turned my back and ran away
From God who gave me life
Then one night his presence fell
I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried, Dear Jesus, rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said, What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now?
I've been inside your head hearing you scream out.
Well here I am, just take my hand and I'll take out
All of the pain and all of the fear
All of the fear

I'll give you my burdens (I'll give you peace)
All of my desires (I'll give you what you need)
Oh, what about these chains, Lord? (I'll set you free)
But they're so heavy (Lay them at my feet)
I'll lay them at your feet
Just promise you won't leave (I'll never leave)
So where do I go from here, Lord? (Just follow me)
(Just follow me)
I'll follow you (Just follow me) wherever you lead
Wherever you lead, wherever you lead

Adele, "Someone Like You"

"Alive" (P.O.D.)

Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for every breath that I take
I won't take you for granted (I won't take you for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control
Sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love (So I trust in love)
You have given me peace of mind

I, I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny You
I feel so alive
I, I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Sunshine upon my face (Sunshine upon my face)
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world how I feel inside (tell the world how I feel inside)
Even though it might cost me everything
And now that I know this, so beyond, I can't hold this
It's like I can never turn my back away
And now that I’ve seen You (and now that I see You)
I can never look away

I, I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny You
I feel so alive
I, I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

And now that I know You (I could never turn my back away)
And now that I see You (I could never look away)
And now that I know You (I could never turn my back away)
And now that I see You (I believe no matter what they say)

I-I feel so alive (feel so alive)
for the very first time (for the very first time)
for the very first time, and I think I can fly.
I-I feel so alive (feel so alive)
for the very first time and I think I can fly,
and I think I can fly, and I think I can fly

Forever and a Day

It feels like it's been forever and a day since I wrote an entry (scheduled quotes don't count). It's certainly not for a lack of things to say. On the contrary, life has been crazy and hectic, and with that, an abundance of things to share. But somehow words seem to fail. Imagine that...the linguist and writer at a loss as to how to frame words, shape memories and thoughts.

So for now, the voice and words of someone else will have to do:

Joy Williams, "I'm In Love With You"

I've been waiting all my life for this morning

Just to wake up next to you holding me

And your head is resting gently on my shoulder

Like you're whispering to me

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

So glad I found you

I'm in love with you

When we're leaving dreams and rolling back the covers

All at once we're getting ready for the day

It's when you look at me in the mirror while you're shaving

Before I go on my way, you say

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

You're the one I choose

‘Cause I'm in love

Love is joy and love is pain

It's kissing in the rain

It's doing dishes when it's late

Isn't it, baby

It's the art of compromise

It's hellos and long goodbyes

It's the picture of our lives

Isn't it crazy

So I'll call you when I get to where I'm going

And I'll tell everyone we know you said hello

And without fail they'll ask me if I miss you

Of course I do, you know I do

‘Cause I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

You're the one I choose

I'm in love

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

I love you just the same as I did the day

I fell in love with you

Unsent Chronicles: Letter to My Best Friend

"See, I had to spread my wings

had to leave

to find out what I'm made of

add to the tapestry

of my life"

J.C.

Copyright 2010

Dearest J,

In my life's mosaic, you are definitely one of the pieces that stand out. We've all said it time and time again, but we can never really say it enough: we are each very lucky to be a part of each other's lives.

It's amazing. Looking back on the marathon conversations and (literally) thousands of e-mails in the five years we've known each other, it's so amazing how much we've all changed and grown. In some ways, when we first met, we were tentatively peeking out of our cocoons. We took steps forward hesitantly, and at times we were apologetic for believing that we were worthy enough to venture out into this world being ourselves and the selves we have yet to discover. We've made decisions that felt like we were taking 2 steps backwards for every step forward. But like in the dance of life--splendid paso doble--these steps became necessary to tell the story of the music, of our adventures, of our journeys, of who we are. 


So J, thank you for your unbelievably supportive and unconditional friendship, whose rhythm created such a brilliant part of my life's soundtrack.


No matter the distance or lapse in time, our friendship is for keeps. Nothing is forever, but you are for a lifetime and ten thousand more times beyond that.

Eminem - Not Afraid

Because no other word could convey "love" as powerfully as "mom"

Aloha 'Oe

Earlier tonight one of my best friends and I received a bit of news that, at the risk of diving into maudlin territory, made us feel like the world spun off its axis. It feels like a divorce and a death; a new chapter which we have no idea how to begin. All we were given was a simple plot, and now it's up to us to fill in the little bits and pieces with a dialogue we never wanted to engage in.

Istanbul: Neither for the love of a man nor pursuit of money

But rather, the discovery of self.

That is why I'm moving to Istanbul, Turkey in a few months.

And yet, the call to (re)discover oneself is not sufficient justification, according to some people. You can still find yourself while you go for an MBA or a JD. If you really want a change of scenery, then go to Stanford. If that's not far away enough, what about OxBridge? If you want change, med school is a 180 from your field. Should be the challenge you're looking for. 

Source

Maybe someday, but for now it's Istanbul. It cannot be anyplace but Turkey.

How can I adequately express the confluence of signs that led to the realization that it is Turkey? I can utter the words tulips and Rumi, or mention the similarities between the Turkish languages and some AmerIndian languages. Yet at first glance or first hear, my words--earnest as they may be--seem foolish. How do I explain that one of my strongest memories of my da was being in a field of tulips, and that I want to rediscover that innocence of childhood again in the land where tulips were born? How can I put into words that the first religion where I felt the presence of The Great Spirit (Unehana, God, Allah...) is  Sufism?

Of course I can't. My words can never be enough.

But it is for me.

Istanbul'da, Pinhani

Adagio for Strings, Samuel Barber and Tiësto

Composed by Samuel Barber, "Adagio for Strings" has always struck me as the piece you'd listen to as you lay dying. It's the soundtrack of a life well-lived. A reflection and a remembrance. Each movement of the piece, to me, speaks of the many chapters that tell the story of our lives: bittersweet saudade, hope's soft whisper, love's tender caress, defiance...

Tiesto's version, however, is a celebration of life. A celebration of its graceful ebbs and sharp edges. It speaks of an exuberant embrace and an as is/as you are acceptance.

Bookends of life ;o)

The Greatest Revenge...

...is not only to survive, but to live, hope, and love. To be human is the greatest defiance. 

Source

There are monsters lurking and skulking in the darkness, wanting to victimize us. Whether it be through war crimes, rape, or hate-motivated crimes, they endeavor to rid us of our humanity. To make us feel like we are animals or objects to be owned. 

Sometimes we break. Sometimes we sustain damages on our bodies, in our minds, in souls, in our beings. We begin to wonder, Can I ever be fixed? We fail to remember one thing: when our souls and bodies become broken windows in the dark, a single broken shard has the power to let light in. No matter how small this light may be, it is light nonetheless. The sun may not abundantly stream enough light to show a straight and narrow way out, but as long as there is a spark of light to shine down our feet, it is enough. Step by step, little by little, we are reclaiming the power to get off our knees, stand up, and walk wherever our feet take us. We are taking control. 

Quote of the Week

Something comes up like bubbles to the surface, bringing up another part of ourselves that has been silent; that we were in the dark about. Lurking. Nightmares aren't my favorite thing. I want to feel safe, period. My soul wants to feel safe not terrorized. For many years, I shut down that place inside myself that needed to rage, cry, ask questions and basically just express herself. I made a conscious choice when I put 'Me and a Gun' on the record not to stay a victim anymore. The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Raped'. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor.  It's about realizing, painfully, you've kept that voice inside yourself, locked away from even yourself. And you step back and see that your jailer has changed faces. You realize you've become your own jailer.  The idea is to rescue myself from the role of a victim. That I have a choice left. Though I can't change what has happened, I can choose how to react. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bitter and locked up.  I think you have to know who you are, get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it.  I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.  I think that the nightmares are telling me things about myself that I need to know. And I try to understand what they mean, so I can get to know something more about my soul.  I am finding that vulnerability gives me great strength, because you're not hiding anymore.

--Tori Amos 

"Benim Küçük Sevgilim," Mor ve Ötesi

"If Everyone Cared," Nickelback

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing, "Amen I, I'm alive"
(I'm alive)
Singing, "Amen I, I'm alive"

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I
(I'm alive)

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing, "Amen I, I'm alive"
(I'm alive)
Singing, "Amen I, I'm alive"

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
(When nobody died)
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
(When nobody died)
We'd see the day
(When nobody died)

"Kawaipunahele," Keali'i Reichel

Just the Way You are, Bruno Mars

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

Glitter in the Air, P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? 
Tonight